Orkut calling....

Riddle: What do you call a person who spends way too much time on Orkut?
Answer: An orkaholic!
(to be followed uncontrollable spasms of laughter: hah ha ha ha aha ha ha ha)

I see that! I see you rolling your eyes and pretending that you didn’t find it funny. I say go ahead and laugh. I won’t judge you. FYI, I made it up and I’m mighty proud of it. Since then I’ve been airing it out to all those who (don’t) care to hear. So far, all I’ve got are sympathetic stares you usually reserve for the pity-friend* in the gang. (I’m NOT suggesting anything here.) Alas! Genius is seldom appreciated in her time.

* Pity-friend: a person from a lower ‘league’ adopted on a trial basis by the members of a way-cool group as a pet project or out of sheer sorrow for the aforementioned person’s abysmal social status.

Recently I met up with some of my old classmates. Now I’m not usually one to comment or criticize (BLATANT LIE ALERT!) but it seemed as though they were… I can’t put my finger on it, what was it about them… oh yes, they were completely obsessed with Orkut. As I said before, I’m not one to pass judgments but it does come across as a little loser-ish no? I might have been able to take the higher road here and say, “Bah, what a waste of time!” had I not gone home and updated my profile the very next day.

Still, this Orkut phenomenon is quite fascinating….

First of all who would have thought that anything with a name like ‘Orkut’ would be successful?

I’ve sounded it out many times, even had some imaginary dialogues involving variations of the word’ like-

Karan: ay loafer, yen maadthiya? (translation- hallo ole’ chap, top of the morning to you)
Rahul: orkutnalli timpass madthaiddini (translation- hoy there! Balmy weather aye? I’m on Orkut, Just scrapping an old bloke from school)

How wrong does that sound?

Secondly, who’d have imagined we’d spend so much time sending ‘hey what up’ and ‘beeatch’ and other such variations of a scraps to people we just met in college the same morning?

Thirdly, we’re always complaining of how Bangalore is such a small world, how claustrophobic, I can’t wait to get out blah bluh bluh…. Then we waste what could have been some seriously productive hours, sending and accepting invites, sucking us deeper and deeper into this networking maze of interconnected people.
And you can’t omit the absurd pointlessness of reacquainting with the lost-touch–with friends.

Scrap#1- hey is that you? remember me?

Scrap#2 – long time… whatcha doin now?

Scrap#3- I’m doing XYZ in ABC college

Scrap#4- lol…. We should meet up…

And after the preliminaries have been concluded, they all sink back into the oblivion they came from. So you’re left with sending ‘wassup loser’ scraps to your college bud you last saw 2 hours ago.

Where’s the sense in that????????????????????????

The more I think of it, the more bizarre Orkut’s addictive popularity appears.

I suppose the best and only way to explain this would be in the words of Doctor Bhataunekar (the animal specialist spokesman for Orbit [Orkut]).
As Dr, B so accurately puts it:
After all, man is also a social animal!

Hold your breath...

So here comes my much awaited blog- amidst all the media speculation, pre-release hullabaloo and the 7 figure advance… woo hoo! I wish. But in any case, as the old proverb goes “Well begun is half the job done.” But like most proverbs, this one too proves to be a bunch of bullshit! Seriously, who thinks up this stuff anyway? I mean the only reason this cwap has stuck around for so long is because it rhymes. Anyone who has done an inch of work in their lives knows that something begun is just a new addition to the pain-in-the-ass accumulation.

Introduction time…
For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Pooja. Really now, that’s not giving away much since it seems that 54.7% of India’s female population shares my name. If you care to observe, there are hardly any 40-50 year olds called Pooja. But suddenly, 25 years later, the population of Poojas increases exponentially and spirals out of control. And it’s not just a Northie (like Neha) or Southie (like Ramya) exclusive names; this is a national phenomenon. Like one of those bonding factors that makes you proclaim with great patriotic gusto, “Main Hindu nahin, Hindustani hoon!”
What never ceases to amaze me is how all the mommies and daddies of our time thought they were being so original when they decided to bestow this name on their squidgy, crumpled by-products.

Now I don’t watch a lot of Hindi movies but I distinctly remember this phase in Hindi cinema when all the heroines had to had to be a Pooja. Pah! I mean have some consideration, that MY name yo! Not that ‘they’ care. Plagiarists! But the biggest bummer of all was when I went to watch this Karan Johar movie K3G, where none other than this obnoxious skank of a Kareena Kapoor was seen by millions responding to none other than MY already highly misused name. Oh the injustice!!! And as though that was not insult enough, they then decided to shorten it to Pooooooooo. Eeeeyyuckkk! And naturally, like EVERYONE watches a Karan Johar movie (even those who don’t love their parents). Following which all those everyones insisted on calling me- you guessed it- POoooooooooooo (and it rings in the inner channels of the cochlea most distastefully). Anyhoo, Miss Kareena Kapoor did such a revolting version of Pooooh that subsequently, all of Bollywood shuddered at the very thought of naming their slutty virginal heroines the same. Now they have fancy names like Rhea and Nishi (not Nisha, mind you).

Anyway, back to me. So now in college I have like 3 friends. And what do you suppose their good names are? Why don’t you take a shot… come on… you’re almost there. That’s right! P-O-O-J-A. Actually, 2 of them are Poojas; but the third has a severe identity crisis after spending so much time with the 3 namesakes. So under the circumstances we’ve made her an honorary Pooja; otherwise she’ll feel bad and all.

Now while the average Pooja may rant ad whine about her loss of identity, I have chosen to look at the situation in a half-full perspective. It does have its advantages; like attendance time. Teacher starts off with Aditi- present maaaaaaam, Bhamini- yeeeeees ma’am, Divya- (silence) and so on until she comes to P. suddenly, there’s a flurry of activity. Poojas from all 4 corners of the class unite and answer in unison. “Prrrreseeennnttttt ma’aaaammm.” The teacher looks up from her register, quite bewildered no doubt. Now she’s not going to admit that she wasn’t paying attention. Especially after that 23 minute reprimanding bestowed on the bleary eyed class on not doing the same. If at this juncture she were to interject with a “which Pooja was that again?” it would lend a most hypocritical air to her lecture. Instead she compromises, marking the entire lot of us ‘present’ – even those feeding Tiger biscuits to the dogs by the basketball court and the one indulging in a mid-morning slumber session in the back row (me).

So as you see, every cloud has a silver lining (another BS proverb if there ever was one. I mean, let’s be honest here; how many clouds have you really seen with a ‘silver lining’.) But what the hell, it suits my purpose.